Tag Archives: Growth

Freedom Quote of the Day #34 -Jan 15, 2017


“The ugliest thing in America is greed, the lust for power and domination, the lunatic ideology of perpetual Growth – with a capital G. ‘Progress’ in our nation has for too long been confused with ‘Growth’; I see the two as different, almost incompatible, since progress means, or should mean, change for the better – toward social justice, a livable and open world, equal opportunity and affirmative action for all forms of life. And I mean all forms, not merely the human. The grizzly, the wolf, the rattlesnake, the condor, the coyote, the crocodile, whatever, each and every species has as much right to be here as we do.”

― Edward Abbey, Postcards from Ed: Dispatches and Salvos from an American Iconoclast

Freedom Quote of the Day #34 -Jan 15, 2017


Ch.17 – Growth and Loss

I loved my job with aerospace and strategic defense.  It was perfect for me, I actually got to use my chemistry education and felt that I was making a difference in the world. I found out that the company had originally planned to hire a man for the job, but he had taken a better position somewhere else and to meet their government quota for women hires I was next on the list.  I was told this at my ninety-day review when my boss also told me he was pleasingly surprised at my performance and the skill that I performed my work.

I found my niche, I found where I belonged and knew I was good at what I did.  I only got better at the job as time went by.  All in all, I helped launch about 24 space missions and the Magellan explorer and did research and development of numerous other programs. I had my secret and top secret clearance when needed. I loved this job.

I was thrilled.  We did have our heart breaks when missions failed and my company was blamed for the o-rings. But we did warn NASA not to launch. We watched the launch from the lab that day. I was supposed to visit my daughter’s school and tell them what I did for a living.  That didn’t happen.

I wish I could say my love life during this time had improved. I did have my suitors and boyfriends.  I think, however, that maybe I was supposed to come into other’s lives, not for myself, but to help them through the difficult times and I was there to guide them. I had been through the same experience or similar and was there to advise. It just got confused with romance.  There was the one relationship with one gentleman that was going through a difficult time with his ex-wife and the custody trial and visitation problems regarding his young son. His young son was being physical, sexually and emotionally abused by the ex-wife and her boyfriend. Being left alone in the middle of the street late at night, coming back to his father with cigarette burns on his hands and legs.  The man didn’t know what to do.  Finally, he got full custody, he had to forcibly take it.  We had to take the child to a psychologist for counseling to overcome some of the other abuses.  But all this drama also took its toll on the father and his temper became shorter and shorter. I had to end the relationship.  It just wasn’t good for me or my girls to be exposed to this sort of environment.

Later, I did actually fall in love with someone. He was much younger. But he had his share of problems too. When I met him, he was clean—a recovering alcoholic and substance abuser.  He was a hard worker and he loved me too. I had never felt that way about anyone, except maybe for Teddy Bear, who still managed to show up every now and then and have coffee with me.  But this man, I was ready to take the plunge for, my children were now teenagers.  I had never lived with anyone before. I loved this man. I felt the children were old enough to understand that I needed someone now, after all, their father had someone. I had that right too. He moved in. We got engaged. We only had one person who was not happy about our relationship, his brother.  He thought I was too old, I was 39.

My love told me every day how much he loved me, he worked with me at the same company. I saw him all day, every day, I knew he was staying clean. He told me that if her ever “fell off the wagon, he loved me too much to put me through the hell that it would entail and that he would leave and I would never see him again”.  One day he got laid off from work, his brother was getting married and ask him to be his best man.  To be the best man, he spent a lot of time with his brother.  He planned his brother’s bachelor party. He fell off the wagon and I never saw him again after the wedding.


Ch. 11 – Teddy Bear Series

My divorce was finally final that spring, I had been married exactly 11 years. The divorce was final on my 11th anniversary. Custody, however, was not determined during these proceedings. It was yet to be. I had been naive when the ex had moved me out of the home, and I had agreed to share the family lawyer for the divorce. I was so naive.  I was also ignorant of my ex’s income. I had kept the finances while we were married, but found out during the tax audit that he was making a six-figure income.  I had believed he only made $30,000 per year.  I had made all of our clothing, the children’s and stayed home to scrimp and save.  He took everything but did give me $500 per month in child support for the girls.  Needless to say, I desperately looked for another lawyer for my custody hearing. I couldn’t afford one, so went to family court to find one that would take my case and found just the right one. We had a battle on our hands.

Teddy Bear continued to visit me and cheer me up when times seemed their darkest.  He even introduced me to his brother thinking that if I couldn’t date him, maybe I would be interested in Jimmy.  But as much as I appreciated the idea, and thought it was a little funny. No, that wasn’t an option either.  Jimmy was sweet and Teddy Bear and he would come over for coffee and keep me company on the weekends when the kids were gone. We’d talk about things and work. We’d talk about me seeing other people.  I had started seeing the secretary of the union at work, but it wasn’t really that serious.  I did have a date Saturday night and that was going to be interesting, I thought.  It was going to be a party.  I hadn’t been to a party in a long time.

Teddy Bear looked curiously at me and said “party?”  I said, “yes, he invited me to a party, he asked me if I liked to party, and I said I like to go to parties.  So I’m going.”  Teddy Bear got this grin on his face.

That Saturday night I learned why he had that shit eating grin on his face.  I just got my first education on what “kind of party” it was.  I went to the guy’s house and there they all were, sitting in the living room passing around a joint and then passed me one.  I said, “No, thank you, I don’t do drugs, I’ve never smoked a joint”.  He said, “I thought, you liked to party?” Well, not this kind.  I am getting an education and culture shock is setting in.

I left the party early, ran a stop light, realizing what I did, I pulled over to contain myself and a cop immediately pulled in behind me.  I was so upset.  I was crying and rolled down my window to him as I fumbled for my license.  Apologizing like a crazy woman.  He said, “What’s wrong?”  I told him, “I just got my divorce, went to a party where they were doing things I’ve never done before, I’m not doing those things, I don’t have my children with me, I’m just very upset.  I know what I did.  I will be very careful driving the rest of the way home. I’m sorry.”  He just looks at me and smiles gently as he hands me back my license, “Do you need me to help you home?  I’m not going to give you a ticket, and it’s late, you need to be more careful.  I’ll help you if you want.”  I look at him with tears in my eyes, no one except Teddy Bear has offered to help. “Thank you, it’s not far, I’ll be careful, I promise, I’ll compose myself for a moment and go”

My entry into another life has started with more tears.


Ch. 10 – Series Teddy Bear

Turning Points

In every person’s life there comes a time, a crisis in their life that becomes a turning point that tests their soul, their heart, and character.  At this turning point, you have to decide whether you will give in and let the challenges and evil defeat you or—rise above all of the darkness and fight, succeed.  You don’t know how, you don’t know how long it’s going to take, but you know without a doubt that no one will stop you. You know that you can do it.  You know you HAVE to, too much is at stake.

What you don’t know at this turning point is how it affects you for the rest of your life and at the moment you don’t care. Survival is the only thing that matters, you don’t care if you start building walls one brick at a time around your heart.  You don’t care if you stop trusting people.  You don’t care if others think you’re a bitch. You have a job to do, that is to live, that is to be a good mother, that is to raise them the best you can, that is to provide for them the best you can.  That day was my turning point.

Teddy Bear knew it too, he saw the change in me over the weeks and winter, I concentrated on my job, I concentrated on my finances, little as they were. I moved out of that apartment, and got a little duplex, it is more like a home to my girls.  I feel we are improving our life now, I have a babysitter that comes to the house while I am at work to watch the girls after school.  We are attending the small church down the street. I want the girls to have all the experiences they can, that includes religion and bible school.

Teddy Bear keeps in touch with me on a regular, discrete basis and lets me know when the ex is on a rampage. He tells me when to watch out for the ex’s strange behavior, but I don’t need that warning.  The ex came to pick up the children this Friday at the new place in a fury.  I guess he didn’t like me leaving the apartment, out of his control.  I don’t know. But he literally dragged the kids in the middle of the street and started yelling obscenities and calling me all kinds of names.  I can’t let this happen,  the children were crying and frantic, he grabbed them anyway and took off.   This cannot continue!  I’ve got to stop it.

Teddy Bear came over tonight, he knows Friday nights are my worse nights because of the visitation.  I’m really upset tonight, more so than usual. I tell him the scenario that just happened.  He takes me out to dinner and we discuss my options.  His name for the ex is DickHead, I call him Ricardo Cabeza because I don’t want the kids repeating Teddy Bear’s name, but it fits the jerk.  So anyway, Ricardo, I’ve got a plan now to deal with your temper and tantrums. YOU will NOT put my children through this again!

My weekend passes quickly, but I make a phone call to Ricardo.  He is to drop the children off at the church on Sunday now, not at my house and from now on all visitation pickups will be made on the church steps.  I talked to the pastor about this and he is willing to be my witness when the children’s father drops off and picks up the kids. No more scenes.

I work long hours. I need to be at work at 5 in the morning.  I finally got a job in a railyard.  I am the only woman working with 500 men. I am the chemist that analyzes the contents that are contained in rail tank cars. It’s a physically demanding job.  I have to climb on top of the rail cars to obtain samples, I have to go out in below freezing weather to obtain samples from water lines to obtain water samples, my hands freeze and bleed. I have to wear a hard hat, but they don’t provide a lab coat, so my clothes are always getting destroyed by the acid in all these rail cars. You see these rail cars come from a munitions plant and contain the acid used to make ammunition.  I have to make sure that the rail car is cleaned thoroughly so that the welders can go into the confined space and repair the cars. I am not only the only woman but the only chemist and the only thing keeping this rail cleaning facility in compliance with DOD and DOT. I have to wear jeans, flannel shirts, and layers.  It’s so cold this winter.

My first day there was eye opening, a rail car came in and since the workers had not been used to having a chemist on site, they proceeded as usual.  They poured water in the railcar without inspecting the contents first. What a disaster. And what an initiation for me!  Suddenly a big red cloud erupted from the railcar.  The workers ran for their lives and it was determined to evacuate the plant, except for two people. My boss and me.  I was supposed to determine how to dispose of the disastrous contaminated water.  If I could not get things contained we were going to have to evacuate the nearby town. My first real job, my first challenge of a working career. It took most of the evening, but I did it. I discovered the correct kind of neutralization steps I needed to take so it wouldn’t destroy the whole plant’s pipelines, I found the place to haul away the acidic water and the correct kind of tractor trailers that wouldn’t be harmed in the procedure.  I discovered my strength. I discovered I can do this! I can overcome adversity. This was one of many I know, but my confidence in myself had started to build.





Ch. 9 – Series Teddy Bear

The bubble bursts- again

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could I be so stupid again!”, I say to myself when Teddy Bear confesses his betrayal, his whole deception. I can’t believe it at first.  I’m in shock, but the conversation he repeats that I had with Bill is exactly how what I said. NO ONE heard that conversation.  I was so ashamed I’d dated a married man.  I was stupid then too. He had lied to me too.  God, I just can’t believe how naive I am. I always believed to trust someone until they give me a reason not to, but now a third time this year? I’ve got to change this, I’ve got to stop this. I wanted to badly to believe Teddy Bear’s intentions were true, his heart was true, I was really falling for him.  I gave myself to him, for God’s sake.  Oh, what have I done?!

He keeps talking, telling me things, I can barely pay attention, I’m so heartbroken, angry, mostly at myself for being stupid, and trying to figure out what to do next.  He keeps telling me to move the furniture around.  He tells me if I see a car following me not to come straight home, what? He keeps telling me to turn on the radio when I’m on the phone. He keeps telling me he loves me.

I see the pain in his eyes, when he looks at me, he wants to hold me but I’m just feeling numb right now, cold all over like the arctic wind has chilled me to the bone.  Such a contrast from earlier this morning, when I didn’t want to be out of his arms.  He was watching me sleep, I could tell, but I just stayed snuggled next to his warm, loving body.

He tells me the reason that my ex, the dickhead, has done all this is to take away the kids. To make me suffer, so that I will never see them again. He wants me to be seen in the worse possible light, to be seen as the worse mother in the world.

GAWD… Now this! How can I possibly continue to see him, if the dickhead knew that I was romantically involved with this shady character he would certainly take my children away from me. I have to tell Teddy Bear, it’s over.  It’s barely begun, but I now know, the battle has become evident to me now. It’s clear what I need to do. I have to fight with my last breath. I have to be strong, I have to be courageous more than I thought I would have to be. This isn’t going to be easy. I just got a job, it doesn’t pay much. But the ex doesn’t know my stubbornness.  He never saw me assertive before, I will be his worst nightmare.

I’m calming down, anger is smoldering beneath the surface, but not aimed at Teddy Bear. Mostly at myself and the ex. I have to be grateful that Teddy Bear confessed.  I know the stakes, I know the enemy, I know what I must do.

“Teddy Bear,” I say after a long silence, ” I can’t see you anymore, you know that,, right? You know he’ll use our relationship against me in court.  You know for sure that because of who and what you are  if we continue, I will lose my children. I can’t let that happen.  I care deeply about you.  I’m not mad at you. It hurts me that you betrayed me, but you have now let me know everything I need to know to prepare for the battle of a lifetime and this one I can’t lose.”  So right then and there, my life, my heart and my attitude changed.  I saw the hurt in his eyes when I said this.

“I understand, sweetheart,” Teddy Bear replies. As he turns to leave, I take him by the arm and look up at him with tears in my eyes. “I trusted you and for some reason I still do.  I don’t want you out of my life forever.” He pulls me into a warm embrace, “You’ll never be without me around, I’ll always be here for you, and you’ll always be protected.I really do love you, whether you believe it or not.” and we stand there holding each other tightly in silence with only two broken hearts beating next to each other.



Ch. 5-Series Teddy Bear

Tender Touch Gathers Strength

It’s been a few weeks now, I got a rickety old table at a garage sale for my dining room and the kids and I can eat our bacon and eggs for dinner together there. I can’t afford a whole lot for groceries so our diet is pretty meager. Good thing they like hot dogs without buns. That first weekend was pretty miserable without them, it killed me.  My heart felt like it was torn into.  I don’t think I ever have felt the emptiness inside me so badly, the loneliness, the despair.  It was something I’ve never felt before. I dread every weekend. And every Sunday night, the girls come back in such a state, all weekend their hair hasn’t been combed, it’s a tangled rat’s nest. Their clothes are filthy dirty and not the clothes I sent them to him with and he doesn’t return the clothes back. It’s so frustrating. They come back all upset and in a terrible mood. My youngest was potty trained and now she’s having accidents and cries in her sleep at night. I just wish I was a fly on the wall in that other house. I wish I knew what was going on. I went over there one weekend and he slammed the door on my face, saying I wasn’t allowed while he had visitation with the kids, I slapped him.  I was so angry. I have never been so angry in my life. In fact, I have felt so many new emotions these last few weeks it’s almost overwhelming.  I feel like I’m becoming a whole new person. I am becoming a whole new person.

The only good thing that has happened in the last few weeks is that I met a wonderful man, his name is Teddy Bear. Well, that’s his CB handle, it’s not his real name. But I like it better than his real name. He’s sweet, he’s kind, and he’s really good-looking.  He’s about six-foot-three, black hair, brown, gentle eyes, darker, olive-skinned man. He’s Italian.  I think I’m liking Italian men. He’s got a beard and a mustache and it’s very soft, not scratchy.  He’s kissed me good night a couple of times.  We talk every day on the CB and have coffee whenever we can or whenever he’s in the area.  He delivers gravel and his route in right in front of the apartment building.

He’s been good for me when the kids go to their father’s, staying in my apartment alone is nerve-wracking. I need my children.  I was made to be a mother.  It’s what I was meant to be. His conversation and coffee dates have occupied some of my time, he is planning to take me on a picnic next weekend.

Job hunting has not been very successful, I’m an overly educated, under-skilled woman. No one wants to hire me. But, I am determined.  Also, funny thing, over these few weeks in the apartment, gradually my sense of taste and smell is returning. I’m still pretty weak, and the rash is going away. I still get tired easily, but that’s probably just the stress, but food now tastes much better, maybe it’s just my own cooking now and not my husband’s. It is odd.






Finally I realize what she means, I have become what I was meant to be the Platinum Dragon.  I have become stronger with each of the magical items found in my life. The books I’ve read. Learning have negativity go it’s own way, not to take it personally.  My heart, my soul, my mind has grown beyond that first encounter with the Crimson dragon.

The fear and panic of the seemingly unconquerable obstacles in my life are no longer taking over. They are no longer standing in my way to success, to a happy life. When there are storm clouds, I know there is a safe haven always available. I can overcome. The larger than life problems that I faced, only made me who I have become today. The illnesses and diseases that haunt me, don’t get best of me, because I’ve learned to be adaptable, to be flexible enough to allow for the unknown and adjust accordingly.

Dragons are a symbol of strength and courage. I’m finally ME!

As for each of the magical objects I found in my dream.  I believe their significance lies herein:

  • My green celtic journal, I currently have this book, and keep my daily thoughts and gratitudes it in. Each time I keep a journal of my gratitudes, I’m reminded that I have so much to be grateful for and I think the Universe then gives me even more to be excited about and grateful for.
  • The Magic Book, I seriously believe it’s my computer.  It’s like magic, isn’t it?  We can find almost anything on it, see anything, accomplish anything with it.
  • The crystal disk is Moonstone.It’s my favorite stone, I have it throughout my jewelry collection.  It brings hope, enhances feminine energies, sensitivity, intuition, and psychic abilities. It is also said to bring strong energies of abundance to one’s life. Moonstone is a stone of protection, especially during travel at sea. It is a stone of calm and relief from emotional stress.Camera360_2015_9_29_090537I also believe the shape of this object is significant to me, it is the shape of a lens, like a camera lens. I am finding that photography is becoming a creative outlet for me and one way I can express myself. I am finally becoming confident enough to display my photographs, if for no other reason but for pure enjoyement.


  • obsidian_obeliskThe Obsidian Wand.  I was given an Obsidian Obelisk some years ago, by two Hermetic friends of mine when I had been unemployed for 3 years.  They gave it to me when I was just starting my own freelance web design business and didn’t know how to handle negative clients.  Within weeks,  my negative clients  were no longer bothersome and I got a full time position as a web designer at a University. It stays on my desk always.Black Obsidian Stone is a powerful cleanser of psychic smog created within your aura, and is a strong psychic protection stone. It has powerful metaphysical properties that will shield you against negativity, and the energy of these stones may stimulate the gift of prophecy.Hermeticism, also called Hermetism, is a religious, philosophical, and esoteric tradition based primarily upon writings attributed to Hermes Trismegistus (“Thrice Great”).Much of the importance of Hermeticism arises from its connection with the development of science during the time from 1300 to 1600 AD. The prominence that it gave to the idea of influencing or controlling nature led many scientists to look to magic and its allied arts (e.g., alchemy, astrology) which, it was thought, could put Nature to the test by means of experiments.
  • The Bell– I believe the bell was my wakeup call.  My realization that I am where I’m supposed to be at this time.