Confessions

“Oh my God, I love this woman,” I think as I lay next to her in the twilight of the morning. Our evening together was amazing. I am here with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life and she’s here with me. Naked in bed with me. She is sleeping peacefully and I love watching her sleep.  I love seeing her long dark hair spread across the pillow and over her shoulders, some covering part of her face, I gently sweep away. She softly sighs in her sleep. She seems content and happy. She is holding on tight to me, her arm resting across my chest.

Her pale skin, ivory-white against my Sicilian olive skin like a delicate blossom against the darkness and my conscience speaks to me.  I continue to watch my angel sleep, I memorize every curve of her body against the sheets which emphasizes her hour-glass figure. Even though she had lost weight in the previous months from being so ill, my girl had curves — wonderful curves. I love to put my hands on her waist and feel that little indent between her hips and chest.  And her breasts, oh don’t get me started. Those lovely orbs, so sweet. “Oh God, I’ve fucked up so badly, she’ll be so hurt and angry.  She’ll never want to see me again.”

I feel her stir and her hands start to roam over my chest. She tilts her head up to me and smiles that sweet smile that melts my heart. “Good morning,” she says low with the raspiness of new awakening.  She asks me if I’d like a cup of coffee as she rises before me unashamed of her body as she reaches for her robe, she looks over her shoulder to see my answer. I agree and she tells me not to get out of bed, she goes to the kitchen leaving me there, feeling a combination of in love, satisfied, happy and guilty as hell.

Soon, she returns with not just a cup of coffee for the both of us, but a tray of bacon, eggs and toast.  She’s served me breakfast in bed.  She seems so happy. I know this is cutting into her grocery budget and I tell her she shouldn’t have done this, but she just tells me not to worry.  Another nail, was just hammered in to my guilty heart.  She’s so giving, trusting and loving and I have deceived her all this time.

After we eat while propped up against the wall in bed, I set aside the tray and prepare myself. I need to warn her as well. I will tell her everything.

“Tender Touch, I need to tell you something,” I start and she looks at me with those trusting eyes. How do I start?  “OK, let me tell you some things that you need to do to protect yourself from her husband.” She frowns, this is not what she was expecting to hear this morning.  She was trying to forget him for a while. “First, let’s move your bedroom around, let’s move the bed away from the windows”.  She looks at me puzzled.”What’s this got to do with my husband?”, she asks. “He’s has you under surveillance. He has someone recording all your conversations and has a wire tap on your phone.” She sits up straighter and moves to sit across from me in bed, cross-legged, not next to me anymore.”What do you mean and how would you know?”, she asks. Her face has turned pale, her bottom lip begins to tremble and there is fear in her eyes. I take both of her hands gently and hold them. “Because the person that he hired was me.” looking her straight in the eyes.

Silence. For long moments she doesn’t say a word. She just looks at me incredulously. “No, you’re just kidding me, right?”, she asks timidly.  She doesn’t believe me? I start from the beginning, the first contact with her husband, how I sold him some pills, I thought were for him, how I knew when to contact her that first day we had coffee.  And my organizational affiliations.  She still doubts me, it’s beyond her comprehension. This isn’t her world. I show her the scars from my life, the knife wounds, the gun shot wounds, the reasons I don’t have any identifying marks on my body. She just listens, she doesn’t get mad, she listens and stares at me, then says “Prove it, I still don’t believe you. I don’t believe you would ever do this to me, you’re too good. You have always been there when I need you.” I then tell her the conversations I had overheard with the married man that she had dated that short time, I repeat those conversations that were from her apartment phone.  I tell her the conversations almost verbatim.  I was especially interested in these conversations because I was jealous, I wanted her.

Still no screaming, only tears begin to gather in her eyes. I see the truth has finally dealt the painful blow I did not want to give her.  She rose and left the room, she went to the kitchen, leaning over the kitchen counter and next to that phone, she’s crying. I walk in behind her and try to hold her. She moves away from me.

“Please, understand, sweetheart, I may have been hired by him to do this, but it backfired on him.”  She looks at me, eyes wet with tears, biting her lip and her arms wrapped tightly around herself in protection.  “It backfired on him because I fell in love with you, I love you, I love you more and more every day. I had to come clean with you because I love you, I want you safe, I want you to be mine. Please understand”

She hurriedly walks around me and sits at the dining table head in hands. She’s so quiet.”I trusted you.  I was really naive, wasn’t I?  I’m really stupid, aren’t I? To think I thought you actually cared for me because of me, not because someone PAID you to be with me, paid you to watch me? Why?”, she says crying, voice trembling and her heart breaking with each word spoken.