Tag Archives: divorce

Ch. 18- Temporary Insanity

I was broken hearted. My life torn to pieces once more. Dreams of any future once again, gone. I managed to work, but I felt like a zombie just going through the motions, holding back the tears in public and crying myself to sleep every night. His mother came to the house to pick up the box of his belongings, she knew that he had made a mistake, she didn’t know all the circumstances and I didn’t tell her.

I still had my job but wanted to just run away. A few months later I get a call from my father telling me that my mother was in the hospital and to fly home right away, she was in a coma.  She had a terminal illness that had gone into remission, so they had gone on vacation and when she came back her back was feeling bad and she went to a chiropractor.   She had called me that day, I remember telling her,“Oh Mom, don’t go to that ‘Quack-o-practor'”. She just laughed.  Those were the last words she and I ever exchanged.

The girls and I flew home to Kansas, my flight arrived close to midnight, I dropped the girls off at the house and immediately went to the hospital. There she was, lying there.  My father said she had been unresponsive to anyone for the last week.  I went to her bedside and took her hand, leaned down, kissed her on the cheek and told her I was there, it was okay now.  Tears fell from her eyes. She knew I was there, she had waited for me. It surprised my father and the doctors. I stayed and spoke to her.  We had finally made our peace with each other five years earlier.  We had always argued before, but finally, she told me she loved me and that she was proud of how I was raising the girls. We finally had become close and now we had a connection. I knew in my heart this was the end for her. I told her it was okay if she was tired and wanted to cross over, I was here now and all the children in heaven were waiting for a teacher like her.  I sat by her bedside for awhile longer and my father came in and insisted I go home, actually told me to go home, he didn’t want me there anymore.  I kissed Mom goodbye.  She died early that morning.

When Dad came back to the house after Mother died that morning, he immediately started cleaning out all her clothing and belongings. I supposed that was his way of dealing. But he took one look at me and told me that if I wanted anything of my mothers, I had to try it on right then and there. I told him in no uncertain terms “NO”.  He followed behind me, everywhere I went in the house, not leaving me alone for hours, insisting I try on the clothes, because I was “fat” and Mom was not. I showed him the labels of our clothing being the same. But I was not going to try them on the morning she died. He ranted and raved. He stalked me throughout the house, hovering like a monster.  I finally had enough and told him to “FUCK OFF!” I had never used those words in my life.  It was a first for me and a first for him to hear it from me. I got disowned that day.  Everything went to my brother.

I went back home to Maryland, broken-hearted about my love, broken hearted about my Mother, and broken because of my father. A couple of months later  I went out dancing to distract myself ( I love to dance) and met a man from Colorado. We won a dance contest that night, we were good! He was on a business trip and had family in Maryland, he asked if he could see me.  I agreed. He was a smooth talker and said all the right things. He went back to Colorado and sent me a ticket to go out and visit him. Colorado was beautiful, absolutely the most peaceful and gorgeous place I’d ever seen. I hated to leave. He asked me to marry him. We married only six weeks after meeting. Temporary Insanity!

I should have known when he was three hours late to the wedding, that it wasn’t meant to be. I guess I was just desperate to run away from Maryland, desperate for love, desperate for change, desperate to be needed.

Results of Temporary Insanity:

  • Kids knew it was wrong
  • Loss of a good job
  • Lose profit on selling home
  • Need to find new home, when you leave the jerk after only a year of marriage
  • Need to find a new job and they have never heard of a woman chemist in the west
  • Starting all over from scratch, again
  • No friends
  • No Support

After about four weeks of marriage, the new husband calls me a financial burden, even though I pay my way and pay for all my children’s expenses.  I even split the household bills.  I desperately look for a job and take a horrible job as a chemist analyzing human urine for toxic chemicals.  YUCK!

I cry every day going back and forth the work because the boss is abusive and the job is horrible. I finally quit after four months and the husband screams at me.

My husband kicks my dog for no apparent reason, except to say he thought the dog was going to bite him.  She never even looked at him.  I’m thinking, who is he going to kick next.  We have no love life anymore, he has ignored me since the first month we were married.  I hear through the vents of the house that he is talking to old girlfriends and that he wants to “evict” me? Okay, it’s time for me to leave.  But I have to get a better job.

I finally do, it takes me an hour to get to work, but I’m back to making explosives and igniters for airbags, and for strategic defense.  It took some doing and persistence but I got the job. I’m leaving. He goes on a business trip, I pack up our things and I leave.  I am getting my sanity back.

I had fallen in love with Colorado, but not the man.

 

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Ch.14 – Turmoil

I just can’t figure life out anymore. I finally think things are starting to settle down, I win custody of the girls, I buy a house, move to Maryland, have a good job, am dating someone. I go back to my maiden name.  I still am friends with Teddy Bear and others from the CB and BAM! The world drops out from under me. I get laid off, the man I’m seeing becomes possessive and wants to marry me, but I don’t love him. I want to have passionate, in love feelings and I don’t have them for him. I know that I may be asking for too much, but I’m not settling for less. I’ve had that once, never again. There’s not a day I don’t think of Teddy Bear, I desperately want to be with him.  I have to refuse his marriage proposal. It just wouldn’t work.  He starts stalking me, calling me every hour on the hour in the middle of the night, he slashes my tires and then leaves flowers at my door begging me to take him back!  He steals my bible out of my truck and then of all things, he throws a gallon of urine on the seats of my van.  It’s totaled.  The insurance adjustor never saw such an act taken on a vehicle before.  And I have no money to buy another car, even with the insurance money for the totaled vehicle.  The van is too old.  I try desperately to clean out the truck.

The calls at night keep me awake constantly, but I don’t dare NOT answer, for fear it’s my mother.  She has a terminal illness and I’m afraid the call may be from home.  I have to do something.  After a month of calls and I log each call, I notify the phone company.  They finally trace them. I take him to court for the stalking.  All the court does is slap his hands and tell him if he continues then they will press charges.  On the way out of the courthouse he asks me to marry him again.  Are you kidding me!?

I’m surviving this layoff on unemployment checks and the ex’s child support, it pays the mortgage.  I’ve been looking for work all over town.  It’s been so hard. I feel like I want so much and have so little right now. I hate to say this I’m getting home sick too, I want to go back to Kansas, but I can’t afford it. I’ve been unemployed now for five months and feel totally worthless.  I haven’t seen Teddy Bear in so long and really need him.  I miss him so much.  Worthless and unlovable.

Finally, the ex has decided to make a reappearance. He finally came to pick up the children at the new house, now, however, with a new wife at his side. Yes, he remarried. He married the girl he was having an affair with, and when I say girl, she was just that a 17-year-old girl and she was very pregnant. Surprise! Visitation has resumed, my motto kills them with kindness.  I was happy, to tell the truth, he’s her problem now and hopefully it will take some of the chaos away from me. But if glares and wicked looks could kill I wouldn’t be here writing this.  At least there was no screaming this time.  Once more I was left alone.  This time after being a single mother 24/7, unemployed, broke and dealing with everything; I needed some time to myself. I needed a break.

 

Ch 12. Not Exactly Kramer vs. Kramer

Custody battles I’ve heard can be civil, I’ve heard.  Even Kramer vs. Kramer was more civil than mine.

One day I come home, and my babysitter tells me she has to quit, family matters have come up that are preventing her from sitting for me. Now I have to find another sitter that can come to watch the children early in the morning and get them on the bus for school and be there when they come home. I have to be at work too early and don’t get home in time for the bus in the afternoon.  So my search begins. I interview a dozen different women, finally, the “perfect” girl comes and sits down in my living room.  I interview her and she answers all the questions “perfectly”.  I am delighted.  She seemed just the right person for the job and I hire her.

However, within a couple of weeks she tells me that she lost my check and if I could pay her in cash, she needs to pay her rent, she’ll bring back the other check when she finds it.  I don’t want her missing her rent, so I give her cash, but I make her sign a piece of paper for it.  I did that at least.  Then I notice that all my food in the cabinets is missing on a daily basis.  This is odd.

I confront her at the end of the week and ask her what’s going on and if she could please pick up the house because it’s messier when I get home than when I left it. She just frowns at me.  My cabinets are becoming bare, my house is a mess.

Then my daughter at two years old is outside playing one weekend and casually calls my neighbor a “bitch”.  I am in shock!  I don’t use profanity, ever!  I run to my little girl and tell her this is not a word we use, and tell her to go over to the neighbor and apologize.  As I’m talking to my neighbor I learn some other distressing news.  My neighbor has seen pictures of me naked.

What!  I haven’t taken pictures of me naked! The only pictures I ever had of me naked were the ones my ex took of me when we were married.  How did she see them?  Evidently, my babysitter had them, she had them from my husband.My ex hired her to be my babysitter, he knew what I would ask her, her told her how to answer my questions, he knew I would hire her.  She also invited my neighbor into my house to show her how bad of a mother I was to have no food in the house and how bad of housekeeper I was. I began to tremble. I wondered about the check, I called the bank and found out she had cashed the check.

I called Teddy Bear and we discussed what I should do. I called the police and asked if there was anything I could do, even if I was the one that was stupid enough to give her the money twice.  They said it had been fraud on her part and I could have her arrested. I decided that was exactly what I was going to do. I was adamant about it. I filed the report.  They went to arrest her on her wedding day but was too late, so we got her the day she got back from her honeymoon.  Her husband offered to make good the amount of money she frauded me out of, but I knew I had to have a conviction if for no other reason it was the principle of the matter.  I had to have it legal, I had to do this! We went to court, the judge asked me why I didn’t settle out of court and I gave her this same reason. The babysitter was found guilty of fraud and I got my paltry $125 back.  You may ask why this is important.  Custody trials have witnesses. Some are called as volunteers and some are subpoenaed, in other words, you have to pay to have them come and testify on your behalf.

My ex subpoenaed 10 witnesses against me, I had 10 volunteer witnesses on my behalf. He paid $100 per witness to tell terrible and horrible things against me. I had 10 wonderful friends support me. The only thing was because this girl that came up to the witness stand who said all these terrible and horrible things had committed fraud against me and had been legally guilty by a judge; the judge upon hearing this impeached her as a witness.  In other words, she was NO witness against me, her word was false and misleading.  No one was to believe anything she said.

The other thing about subpoenaed witnesses, sometimes they don’t really benefit your case. Although you might want them to say mean and terrible things, like how emotionally unstable the wife is or how terrible she may dress in those jeans and flannel shirts.  Those witnesses always seem to be more logical than the ex wants them to be.

“Yes, she may be emotional, but emotions are good when raising children, you have to be sensitive to their needs and feelings”, the psychologist says.  “She’s a good mother that knows their needs and know what’s best for the welfare of her children”

He even subpoenaed the man from work that I had dated and asked about my work habits about my clothing.  “Yes, she has to dress that way to keep warm, it’s typical work attire for the work she does.  She’s a diligent chemist and good, and as the secretary of the union, we depend on her to keep the welders safe when working in confined spaces.  We would go on strike if she weren’t there.” Little did the ex, realize this same man had volunteered to witness on my behalf as well.

The trial lasted all afternoon, it was tiring and emotional. By the end of the day, I was exhausted.  My lawyer had done an excellent job and was very positive about the results. He had asked for his fees and court costs as well so I would not have any out of pocket expenses.  Now I had to wait for the judge’s decision.  I said I was willing for joint custody.  The judge was known to give joint custody.  I wanted to be fair.

 

Ch. 11 – Teddy Bear Series

My divorce was finally final that spring, I had been married exactly 11 years. The divorce was final on my 11th anniversary. Custody, however, was not determined during these proceedings. It was yet to be. I had been naive when the ex had moved me out of the home, and I had agreed to share the family lawyer for the divorce. I was so naive.  I was also ignorant of my ex’s income. I had kept the finances while we were married, but found out during the tax audit that he was making a six-figure income.  I had believed he only made $30,000 per year.  I had made all of our clothing, the children’s and stayed home to scrimp and save.  He took everything but did give me $500 per month in child support for the girls.  Needless to say, I desperately looked for another lawyer for my custody hearing. I couldn’t afford one, so went to family court to find one that would take my case and found just the right one. We had a battle on our hands.

Teddy Bear continued to visit me and cheer me up when times seemed their darkest.  He even introduced me to his brother thinking that if I couldn’t date him, maybe I would be interested in Jimmy.  But as much as I appreciated the idea, and thought it was a little funny. No, that wasn’t an option either.  Jimmy was sweet and Teddy Bear and he would come over for coffee and keep me company on the weekends when the kids were gone. We’d talk about things and work. We’d talk about me seeing other people.  I had started seeing the secretary of the union at work, but it wasn’t really that serious.  I did have a date Saturday night and that was going to be interesting, I thought.  It was going to be a party.  I hadn’t been to a party in a long time.

Teddy Bear looked curiously at me and said “party?”  I said, “yes, he invited me to a party, he asked me if I liked to party, and I said I like to go to parties.  So I’m going.”  Teddy Bear got this grin on his face.

That Saturday night I learned why he had that shit eating grin on his face.  I just got my first education on what “kind of party” it was.  I went to the guy’s house and there they all were, sitting in the living room passing around a joint and then passed me one.  I said, “No, thank you, I don’t do drugs, I’ve never smoked a joint”.  He said, “I thought, you liked to party?” Well, not this kind.  I am getting an education and culture shock is setting in.

I left the party early, ran a stop light, realizing what I did, I pulled over to contain myself and a cop immediately pulled in behind me.  I was so upset.  I was crying and rolled down my window to him as I fumbled for my license.  Apologizing like a crazy woman.  He said, “What’s wrong?”  I told him, “I just got my divorce, went to a party where they were doing things I’ve never done before, I’m not doing those things, I don’t have my children with me, I’m just very upset.  I know what I did.  I will be very careful driving the rest of the way home. I’m sorry.”  He just looks at me and smiles gently as he hands me back my license, “Do you need me to help you home?  I’m not going to give you a ticket, and it’s late, you need to be more careful.  I’ll help you if you want.”  I look at him with tears in my eyes, no one except Teddy Bear has offered to help. “Thank you, it’s not far, I’ll be careful, I promise, I’ll compose myself for a moment and go”

My entry into another life has started with more tears.

Ch. 9 – Series Teddy Bear

The bubble bursts- again

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could I be so stupid again!”, I say to myself when Teddy Bear confesses his betrayal, his whole deception. I can’t believe it at first.  I’m in shock, but the conversation he repeats that I had with Bill is exactly how what I said. NO ONE heard that conversation.  I was so ashamed I’d dated a married man.  I was stupid then too. He had lied to me too.  God, I just can’t believe how naive I am. I always believed to trust someone until they give me a reason not to, but now a third time this year? I’ve got to change this, I’ve got to stop this. I wanted to badly to believe Teddy Bear’s intentions were true, his heart was true, I was really falling for him.  I gave myself to him, for God’s sake.  Oh, what have I done?!

He keeps talking, telling me things, I can barely pay attention, I’m so heartbroken, angry, mostly at myself for being stupid, and trying to figure out what to do next.  He keeps telling me to move the furniture around.  He tells me if I see a car following me not to come straight home, what? He keeps telling me to turn on the radio when I’m on the phone. He keeps telling me he loves me.

I see the pain in his eyes, when he looks at me, he wants to hold me but I’m just feeling numb right now, cold all over like the arctic wind has chilled me to the bone.  Such a contrast from earlier this morning, when I didn’t want to be out of his arms.  He was watching me sleep, I could tell, but I just stayed snuggled next to his warm, loving body.

He tells me the reason that my ex, the dickhead, has done all this is to take away the kids. To make me suffer, so that I will never see them again. He wants me to be seen in the worse possible light, to be seen as the worse mother in the world.

GAWD… Now this! How can I possibly continue to see him, if the dickhead knew that I was romantically involved with this shady character he would certainly take my children away from me. I have to tell Teddy Bear, it’s over.  It’s barely begun, but I now know, the battle has become evident to me now. It’s clear what I need to do. I have to fight with my last breath. I have to be strong, I have to be courageous more than I thought I would have to be. This isn’t going to be easy. I just got a job, it doesn’t pay much. But the ex doesn’t know my stubbornness.  He never saw me assertive before, I will be his worst nightmare.

I’m calming down, anger is smoldering beneath the surface, but not aimed at Teddy Bear. Mostly at myself and the ex. I have to be grateful that Teddy Bear confessed.  I know the stakes, I know the enemy, I know what I must do.

“Teddy Bear,” I say after a long silence, ” I can’t see you anymore, you know that,, right? You know he’ll use our relationship against me in court.  You know for sure that because of who and what you are  if we continue, I will lose my children. I can’t let that happen.  I care deeply about you.  I’m not mad at you. It hurts me that you betrayed me, but you have now let me know everything I need to know to prepare for the battle of a lifetime and this one I can’t lose.”  So right then and there, my life, my heart and my attitude changed.  I saw the hurt in his eyes when I said this.

“I understand, sweetheart,” Teddy Bear replies. As he turns to leave, I take him by the arm and look up at him with tears in my eyes. “I trusted you and for some reason I still do.  I don’t want you out of my life forever.” He pulls me into a warm embrace, “You’ll never be without me around, I’ll always be here for you, and you’ll always be protected.I really do love you, whether you believe it or not.” and we stand there holding each other tightly in silence with only two broken hearts beating next to each other.

 

Ch. 8 – Series Teddy Bear

Confessions

“Oh my God, I love this woman,” I think as I lay next to her in the twilight of the morning. Our evening together was amazing. I am here with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life and she’s here with me. Naked in bed with me. She is sleeping peacefully and I love watching her sleep.  I love seeing her long dark hair spread across the pillow and over her shoulders, some covering part of her face, I gently sweep away. She softly sighs in her sleep. She seems content and happy. She is holding on tight to me, her arm resting across my chest.

Her pale skin, ivory-white against my Sicilian olive skin like a delicate blossom against the darkness and my conscience speaks to me.  I continue to watch my angel sleep, I memorize every curve of her body against the sheets which emphasizes her hour-glass figure. Even though she had lost weight in the previous months from being so ill, my girl had curves — wonderful curves. I love to put my hands on her waist and feel that little indent between her hips and chest.  And her breasts, oh don’t get me started. Those lovely orbs, so sweet. “Oh God, I’ve fucked up so badly, she’ll be so hurt and angry.  She’ll never want to see me again.”

I feel her stir and her hands start to roam over my chest. She tilts her head up to me and smiles that sweet smile that melts my heart. “Good morning,” she says low with the raspiness of new awakening.  She asks me if I’d like a cup of coffee as she rises before me unashamed of her body as she reaches for her robe, she looks over her shoulder to see my answer. I agree and she tells me not to get out of bed, she goes to the kitchen leaving me there, feeling a combination of in love, satisfied, happy and guilty as hell.

Soon, she returns with not just a cup of coffee for the both of us, but a tray of bacon, eggs and toast.  She’s served me breakfast in bed.  She seems so happy. I know this is cutting into her grocery budget and I tell her she shouldn’t have done this, but she just tells me not to worry.  Another nail, was just hammered in to my guilty heart.  She’s so giving, trusting and loving and I have deceived her all this time.

After we eat while propped up against the wall in bed, I set aside the tray and prepare myself. I need to warn her as well. I will tell her everything.

“Tender Touch, I need to tell you something,” I start and she looks at me with those trusting eyes. How do I start?  “OK, let me tell you some things that you need to do to protect yourself from her husband.” She frowns, this is not what she was expecting to hear this morning.  She was trying to forget him for a while. “First, let’s move your bedroom around, let’s move the bed away from the windows”.  She looks at me puzzled.”What’s this got to do with my husband?”, she asks. “He’s has you under surveillance. He has someone recording all your conversations and has a wire tap on your phone.” She sits up straighter and moves to sit across from me in bed, cross-legged, not next to me anymore.”What do you mean and how would you know?”, she asks. Her face has turned pale, her bottom lip begins to tremble and there is fear in her eyes. I take both of her hands gently and hold them. “Because the person that he hired was me.” looking her straight in the eyes.

Silence. For long moments she doesn’t say a word. She just looks at me incredulously. “No, you’re just kidding me, right?”, she asks timidly.  She doesn’t believe me? I start from the beginning, the first contact with her husband, how I sold him some pills, I thought were for him, how I knew when to contact her that first day we had coffee.  And my organizational affiliations.  She still doubts me, it’s beyond her comprehension. This isn’t her world. I show her the scars from my life, the knife wounds, the gun shot wounds, the reasons I don’t have any identifying marks on my body. She just listens, she doesn’t get mad, she listens and stares at me, then says “Prove it, I still don’t believe you. I don’t believe you would ever do this to me, you’re too good. You have always been there when I need you.” I then tell her the conversations I had overheard with the married man that she had dated that short time, I repeat those conversations that were from her apartment phone.  I tell her the conversations almost verbatim.  I was especially interested in these conversations because I was jealous, I wanted her.

Still no screaming, only tears begin to gather in her eyes. I see the truth has finally dealt the painful blow I did not want to give her.  She rose and left the room, she went to the kitchen, leaning over the kitchen counter and next to that phone, she’s crying. I walk in behind her and try to hold her. She moves away from me.

“Please, understand, sweetheart, I may have been hired by him to do this, but it backfired on him.”  She looks at me, eyes wet with tears, biting her lip and her arms wrapped tightly around herself in protection.  “It backfired on him because I fell in love with you, I love you, I love you more and more every day. I had to come clean with you because I love you, I want you safe, I want you to be mine. Please understand”

She hurriedly walks around me and sits at the dining table head in hands. She’s so quiet.”I trusted you.  I was really naive, wasn’t I?  I’m really stupid, aren’t I? To think I thought you actually cared for me because of me, not because someone PAID you to be with me, paid you to watch me? Why?”, she says crying, voice trembling and her heart breaking with each word spoken.

Ch. 6-Series Teddy Bear

The Picnic

I’ve been seeing her now for a few months.  She’s pulled herself together really well, the crying has stopped and  you can see the determination in her eyes.  She’s getting healthier and stronger, the color is coming back into her cheeks and she’s got more energy now.  I see her try to smile and be happy for her kids, she has taken them fishing at the little pond nearby.  She tried dating some other driver but discovered he was lying to her and she shut him down real quick.  I laughed at that and was really happy when she stopped seeing him.  I’m falling for this woman, I’ve got to come clean to her, I wonder what will happen. I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to lose her friendship.

We’ve become close friends and her husband was all wrong about her.  Now I know he was having the affair, with a seventeen year old girl no less. He was trying everything to get Tender Touch out of the house, compromising her reputation with the neighbors, compromising her reputation with friends, degrading her personally, and compromising her health with drugs.  She found the jar of drugs one day while she was in the marriage home trying to retrieve some of the dishes and cooking utensils.   She told me she had gone back to the doctors last week for a checkup because of her serious condition and the doctor had told her that if he had known that was going to happen, he would have immediately checked her into the hospital because she was that ill. He then wondered about the cause of the illness and wondered if it had been natural causes after all. It sounded and had all the symptoms of poisoning.

I’ve got to come clean with her. How?  Maybe at the picnic?

Saturday afternoon finally is here, I am so nervous to see her. I’ve got everything ready for her.  I can’t, I just can’t. Not yet. I want to be with her so much, I want her to love me. She’s so precious to me. I’m taking her to the canal,down by the water and the treeline.  It’s beautiful there and now at the end of summer, it’s still warm but there’s a breeze off the water.  We can watch the yachts sail down the canal and have our picnic.  I see her waiting for me outside the apartment, she has that beautiful smile and her eyes are sparkling.

We get to the canal, it’s a little muddy where I park, but where I want to settle down is dry and just perfect.  I hand her the blanket and basket and swoop her up into my arms. She’s so tiny. She laughs in surprise and tries to hold on to my neck with one arm.  I laugh,
“What, haven’t you ever been carried before?”  “No!, it’s the first time”, she says, “not even on my honeymoon night”, she’s still laughing.  I set her down on the ground and we lay out the blanket and the picnic. We have some cheese,fried chicken and some fruit.  We linger in each other’s embrace and have a great conversation and a wonderful kiss. Her lips tasting like wine are so soft, she’s so trusting and innocent and her hands so small in mine. I cannot confess to her yet, but I must. Soon.