The bubble bursts- again

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could I be so stupid again!”, I say to myself when Teddy Bear confesses his betrayal, his whole deception. I can’t believe it at first.  I’m in shock, but the conversation he repeats that I had with Bill is exactly how what I said. NO ONE heard that conversation.  I was so ashamed I’d dated a married man.  I was stupid then too. He had lied to me too.  God, I just can’t believe how naive I am. I always believed to trust someone until they give me a reason not to, but now a third time this year? I’ve got to change this, I’ve got to stop this. I wanted to badly to believe Teddy Bear’s intentions were true, his heart was true, I was really falling for him.  I gave myself to him, for God’s sake.  Oh, what have I done?!

He keeps talking, telling me things, I can barely pay attention, I’m so heartbroken, angry, mostly at myself for being stupid, and trying to figure out what to do next.  He keeps telling me to move the furniture around.  He tells me if I see a car following me not to come straight home, what? He keeps telling me to turn on the radio when I’m on the phone. He keeps telling me he loves me.

I see the pain in his eyes, when he looks at me, he wants to hold me but I’m just feeling numb right now, cold all over like the arctic wind has chilled me to the bone.  Such a contrast from earlier this morning, when I didn’t want to be out of his arms.  He was watching me sleep, I could tell, but I just stayed snuggled next to his warm, loving body.

He tells me the reason that my ex, the dickhead, has done all this is to take away the kids. To make me suffer, so that I will never see them again. He wants me to be seen in the worse possible light, to be seen as the worse mother in the world.

GAWD… Now this! How can I possibly continue to see him, if the dickhead knew that I was romantically involved with this shady character he would certainly take my children away from me. I have to tell Teddy Bear, it’s over.  It’s barely begun, but I now know, the battle has become evident to me now. It’s clear what I need to do. I have to fight with my last breath. I have to be strong, I have to be courageous more than I thought I would have to be. This isn’t going to be easy. I just got a job, it doesn’t pay much. But the ex doesn’t know my stubbornness.  He never saw me assertive before, I will be his worst nightmare.

I’m calming down, anger is smoldering beneath the surface, but not aimed at Teddy Bear. Mostly at myself and the ex. I have to be grateful that Teddy Bear confessed.  I know the stakes, I know the enemy, I know what I must do.

“Teddy Bear,” I say after a long silence, ” I can’t see you anymore, you know that,, right? You know he’ll use our relationship against me in court.  You know for sure that because of who and what you are  if we continue, I will lose my children. I can’t let that happen.  I care deeply about you.  I’m not mad at you. It hurts me that you betrayed me, but you have now let me know everything I need to know to prepare for the battle of a lifetime and this one I can’t lose.”  So right then and there, my life, my heart and my attitude changed.  I saw the hurt in his eyes when I said this.

“I understand, sweetheart,” Teddy Bear replies. As he turns to leave, I take him by the arm and look up at him with tears in my eyes. “I trusted you and for some reason I still do.  I don’t want you out of my life forever.” He pulls me into a warm embrace, “You’ll never be without me around, I’ll always be here for you, and you’ll always be protected.I really do love you, whether you believe it or not.” and we stand there holding each other tightly in silence with only two broken hearts beating next to each other.