Tag Archives: abuse

Ch. 18- Temporary Insanity

I was broken hearted. My life torn to pieces once more. Dreams of any future once again, gone. I managed to work, but I felt like a zombie just going through the motions, holding back the tears in public and crying myself to sleep every night. His mother came to the house to pick up the box of his belongings, she knew that he had made a mistake, she didn’t know all the circumstances and I didn’t tell her.

I still had my job but wanted to just run away. A few months later I get a call from my father telling me that my mother was in the hospital and to fly home right away, she was in a coma.  She had a terminal illness that had gone into remission, so they had gone on vacation and when she came back her back was feeling bad and she went to a chiropractor.   She had called me that day, I remember telling her,“Oh Mom, don’t go to that ‘Quack-o-practor'”. She just laughed.  Those were the last words she and I ever exchanged.

The girls and I flew home to Kansas, my flight arrived close to midnight, I dropped the girls off at the house and immediately went to the hospital. There she was, lying there.  My father said she had been unresponsive to anyone for the last week.  I went to her bedside and took her hand, leaned down, kissed her on the cheek and told her I was there, it was okay now.  Tears fell from her eyes. She knew I was there, she had waited for me. It surprised my father and the doctors. I stayed and spoke to her.  We had finally made our peace with each other five years earlier.  We had always argued before, but finally, she told me she loved me and that she was proud of how I was raising the girls. We finally had become close and now we had a connection. I knew in my heart this was the end for her. I told her it was okay if she was tired and wanted to cross over, I was here now and all the children in heaven were waiting for a teacher like her.  I sat by her bedside for awhile longer and my father came in and insisted I go home, actually told me to go home, he didn’t want me there anymore.  I kissed Mom goodbye.  She died early that morning.

When Dad came back to the house after Mother died that morning, he immediately started cleaning out all her clothing and belongings. I supposed that was his way of dealing. But he took one look at me and told me that if I wanted anything of my mothers, I had to try it on right then and there. I told him in no uncertain terms “NO”.  He followed behind me, everywhere I went in the house, not leaving me alone for hours, insisting I try on the clothes, because I was “fat” and Mom was not. I showed him the labels of our clothing being the same. But I was not going to try them on the morning she died. He ranted and raved. He stalked me throughout the house, hovering like a monster.  I finally had enough and told him to “FUCK OFF!” I had never used those words in my life.  It was a first for me and a first for him to hear it from me. I got disowned that day.  Everything went to my brother.

I went back home to Maryland, broken-hearted about my love, broken hearted about my Mother, and broken because of my father. A couple of months later  I went out dancing to distract myself ( I love to dance) and met a man from Colorado. We won a dance contest that night, we were good! He was on a business trip and had family in Maryland, he asked if he could see me.  I agreed. He was a smooth talker and said all the right things. He went back to Colorado and sent me a ticket to go out and visit him. Colorado was beautiful, absolutely the most peaceful and gorgeous place I’d ever seen. I hated to leave. He asked me to marry him. We married only six weeks after meeting. Temporary Insanity!

I should have known when he was three hours late to the wedding, that it wasn’t meant to be. I guess I was just desperate to run away from Maryland, desperate for love, desperate for change, desperate to be needed.

Results of Temporary Insanity:

  • Kids knew it was wrong
  • Loss of a good job
  • Lose profit on selling home
  • Need to find new home, when you leave the jerk after only a year of marriage
  • Need to find a new job and they have never heard of a woman chemist in the west
  • Starting all over from scratch, again
  • No friends
  • No Support

After about four weeks of marriage, the new husband calls me a financial burden, even though I pay my way and pay for all my children’s expenses.  I even split the household bills.  I desperately look for a job and take a horrible job as a chemist analyzing human urine for toxic chemicals.  YUCK!

I cry every day going back and forth the work because the boss is abusive and the job is horrible. I finally quit after four months and the husband screams at me.

My husband kicks my dog for no apparent reason, except to say he thought the dog was going to bite him.  She never even looked at him.  I’m thinking, who is he going to kick next.  We have no love life anymore, he has ignored me since the first month we were married.  I hear through the vents of the house that he is talking to old girlfriends and that he wants to “evict” me? Okay, it’s time for me to leave.  But I have to get a better job.

I finally do, it takes me an hour to get to work, but I’m back to making explosives and igniters for airbags, and for strategic defense.  It took some doing and persistence but I got the job. I’m leaving. He goes on a business trip, I pack up our things and I leave.  I am getting my sanity back.

I had fallen in love with Colorado, but not the man.

 

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Ch. 6-Series Teddy Bear

The Picnic

I’ve been seeing her now for a few months.  She’s pulled herself together really well, the crying has stopped and  you can see the determination in her eyes.  She’s getting healthier and stronger, the color is coming back into her cheeks and she’s got more energy now.  I see her try to smile and be happy for her kids, she has taken them fishing at the little pond nearby.  She tried dating some other driver but discovered he was lying to her and she shut him down real quick.  I laughed at that and was really happy when she stopped seeing him.  I’m falling for this woman, I’ve got to come clean to her, I wonder what will happen. I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to lose her friendship.

We’ve become close friends and her husband was all wrong about her.  Now I know he was having the affair, with a seventeen year old girl no less. He was trying everything to get Tender Touch out of the house, compromising her reputation with the neighbors, compromising her reputation with friends, degrading her personally, and compromising her health with drugs.  She found the jar of drugs one day while she was in the marriage home trying to retrieve some of the dishes and cooking utensils.   She told me she had gone back to the doctors last week for a checkup because of her serious condition and the doctor had told her that if he had known that was going to happen, he would have immediately checked her into the hospital because she was that ill. He then wondered about the cause of the illness and wondered if it had been natural causes after all. It sounded and had all the symptoms of poisoning.

I’ve got to come clean with her. How?  Maybe at the picnic?

Saturday afternoon finally is here, I am so nervous to see her. I’ve got everything ready for her.  I can’t, I just can’t. Not yet. I want to be with her so much, I want her to love me. She’s so precious to me. I’m taking her to the canal,down by the water and the treeline.  It’s beautiful there and now at the end of summer, it’s still warm but there’s a breeze off the water.  We can watch the yachts sail down the canal and have our picnic.  I see her waiting for me outside the apartment, she has that beautiful smile and her eyes are sparkling.

We get to the canal, it’s a little muddy where I park, but where I want to settle down is dry and just perfect.  I hand her the blanket and basket and swoop her up into my arms. She’s so tiny. She laughs in surprise and tries to hold on to my neck with one arm.  I laugh,
“What, haven’t you ever been carried before?”  “No!, it’s the first time”, she says, “not even on my honeymoon night”, she’s still laughing.  I set her down on the ground and we lay out the blanket and the picnic. We have some cheese,fried chicken and some fruit.  We linger in each other’s embrace and have a great conversation and a wonderful kiss. Her lips tasting like wine are so soft, she’s so trusting and innocent and her hands so small in mine. I cannot confess to her yet, but I must. Soon.

Ch. 3-Series Teddy Bear

Tender Touch’s Strange New World

I watch my husband drive away with his friend leaving me there in my new “home” with the girls and nothing but the clothes on our backs. Wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do now. I don’t have a job, he gave me a little money for groceries and he said he’d pay the rent and utilities until I got a job. I’m so sick. The doctor ordered complete bed rest for me, for me not to even get out of bed to eat, only to go to the bathroom and only to be on the main floor. How am I supposed to cope with all this?

We go up to our apartment and try to settle in.  The girls have a couple of their favorite toys, I’ll go back to the house tomorrow while he’s at work and get more things for them.  I don’t have the strength to do more or to argue with him.  We look around at the empty apartment.  The girls will sleep on the twin mattress, I’ll take the floor with a blanket.  Did I have one? There were some in the van.  I don’t have any food, I need to go shopping.  But I don’t have any utensils, dishes or anything.  Paper plates tonight, the house tomorrow.  Make a list of the essentials.  Get yourself together, girl, you can do this.  You don’t want to be with him, you know he’s cheating. You know he’s been acting strange lately. You know he’s been going out late three or four nights a week to “retirement” parties and going out for “doughnuts” early on Saturday mornings and not coming home until late.  You should have seen this coming.  You thought maybe he’d leave.  Not kick you out.  But lately, you’ve been getting so sick. You’ve had such bad headaches you couldn’t see straight, you’ve had to call him to watch the kids while you wished you could die.  You can’t taste anything, nothing smells good, everything smells like rotten eggs.  Your heart literally hurts, your body hurts, your bones hurt, you have a rash all over your body, you can barely move.  Yet he does nothing to help, except cook your meals. That he has helped with, thank goodness.  You can’t stand the smell of food.  You’ve lost a lot of weight.

Seeing the doctor yesterday was alarming to the doctor even, he was really worried about me.  Told me not to even try to drive home, I was in too bad of condition. An infection around my heart, myocardial infarction, I think he said and a bunch of other things, I can’t remember. I was about to pass out.  I waited in the bed of the van, I waited so long.  Finally, my husband came to pick me up at five o’clock.  We picked up the girls from the neighbors and he fixed dinner, I laid down on the sofa to rest. They watched TV.  When the girls went to bed, he came to the sofa while I was dozing and forced himself on me.  I told him no, over and over again. I was too sick, I hurt too much. But it didn’t matter to him. Then he went upstairs to bed and left me there. I stayed, I didn’t want to sleep with him. I couldn’t move anyway.

What am I going to do now? I’ve never lived on my own, let alone with two little ones depending on me.  I am alone, no family for thousands of miles, no friends, and a new world before me.

Ch. 2-Series Teddy Bear

Shattered Heart

I got a message on a private channel on the radio to call in, it was from him. She told him that the doctor had discovered that she was seriously ill, mysteriously ill.  She had an infection around her heart and was not to drive home.  He sounded anxious and nervous.  He said he had to do something quickly, he was soon to be discovered and had to get her out of the house.  He was supposed to go pick her up at the doctor’s, she wasn’t supposed to drive, but he had to get a few things settled first.  He told me to meet him at an apartment complex right off route 40.

What the hell was going on?  She was in pain and seriously ill, why wasn’t he going to pick her up?  I met him at the apartment complex a half an hour later. He had just signed a lease at the apartment and put it in her name, he had also signed a lease for an apartment across the courtyard for me—for surveillance. I was going to continue the watch, in fact, that’s not all he wanted me to do. He told me to set up the wiretap on the phone in her apartment and listening devices in the apartment across the way.  I was still supposed to seduce her, he was going to take away the children so she would never see them again. “She will be broken, she won’t be able to continue and will never be able to make it on her own”, he said.

It was getting late, close to 5 PM and she had been waiting in that van for him all this time. I can imagine the pain and anguish she was going through wondering where he was. He was putting the finishing touches on the betrayal, closing all the bank accounts, saving accounts and safe deposit boxes.  He took her name off all the credit cards. She hadn’t worked since they were married, she was a stay at home mother, she supported him climbing the corporate ladder, but he didn’t want her to have anything. He wanted her broken.

I stayed at the new apartment and set things up, tapped the phone line in the basement, then went over to my new place of operations.  Now, what did I need? Listening dish, recording device, what else.  I didn’t like this. He was too nervous and too hyper today, he just looked weird, he’s eyes looked glassy.  I felt uneasy at the thought of her alone with him tonight.

The next morning, I was ready and everything unfolded before me, I was mortified how he had treated her.Her illness was evident, she looked worse than yesterday, but today, tears were streaming down her face in confusion, as he unpacked the van with her and the two babies. He showed them their new home.  He left them with a twin bed mattress, a picnic table, the clothes on their backs and the van. He had a friend pick him up and sped away. She stood there with a baby in arms and a toddler, not understanding,  holding on to her hand. Her heart not only in pain from the illness, but shattered beyond repair.