Tag Archives: Fibromyalgia

Nurturing Thurs – Preparation

In Preparation for My First Protest March

© Photography by Candace L Stauber Jan 20, 2017

Netdancer's Musings

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Nurturing Thurs – Preparation

Tonight, I admit I sit here apprehensive about the future. This is not a good state of mind for a person with a predisposition to depression, a person with fibromyalgia that is easily affected by stress, it can put me into a flare of monumental proportions.  Since I started this blog I promised my readers that have followed my journey into the darkness that I would keep them apprised of my journey.

This is the day before a bigot, a man who has exhibited behavior to women that I have personally experienced, a man that doesn’t seem to even be literate enough to write a complete sentence, let alone intelligent enough to run a country becomes our nation’s leader.  This is a worrisome time not just for me, but for our country.  I believe he is an embarrassment to our country because he is not what our country…

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Betrayal

20161218_171645My body betrayed me this weekend.  I guess I should not be surprised.  I’ve been fighting this illness for many years and this year I have tried even harder to suppress the pain that fibromyalgia presents to me.  I just never know when it’s going to spring up and bite me in the butt. I know cold and winter is my enemy.  Yesterday, it literally bit me in the butt when I fell on the driveway while clearing 6 inches of snow.  Ouch!

I had my heart set on going to the Hamilton Electors Vigil tonight and stressed over ways to go and chance more problems or not.  Ultimately, I decided my body just wouldn’t handle the cold at night, let alone having to deal with transportation and waiting in the cold for Lyft or Uber, since I can’t drive at night.  Yes, fibro has affected my vision at night somewhat as well.

I cannot stand to be one who talks and not act, so dear friends who are standing out in the cold, I empathize with you and am there in spirit.  I support you and wish with all my heart I was standing with you for this cause I believe in.

Peace

A Dilemna of Spirit

fibromyalgiacoldI have been looking forward to the march and vigil on the Colorado capital today so much. I don’t want to be one of those that talk but don’t act. I truly believe that we must take action and I must be amongst those that are there.  Then it snowed and got down to below zero here at home. My body with fibromyalgia is complaining so much about the cold. I try to keep up with things and I’ve never asked anyone for help. So what did I do yesterday? I shoveled my driveway that was covered in 6 inches of snow.  On the last strip of the drive, I fell (fibro also affects your equilibrium) hard on the icy cement and now I am moving very slowly.

So I sit here contemplating how I can act and not sit (uneasily) without feeling inadequate about not doing what I believe in my heart I should be doing. I don’t like to admit the limitations of my disease or my age, but days like today are aggravating and disappointing.

2. Demon Lover

After a busy day in her booth, she gathers her tools of the trade in her satchel as the minstrels play and the crowds’ cheer.  She hears the barkers selling their icy cold pickles and smiles. She walks towards the back of the festival grounds. It’s been a good day.  The seekers were happy with the results of her readings, and she made a nice little profit to sustain her for the day.

She stops by the food court and buys some crab cakes and an artichoke to take back to her trailer for dinner.  She’s tired but really kind of dreading going back to an empty trailer.  The noise and music of the crowds are nice and gives her a pleasant sensation. It’s bittersweet, however, seeing all the couples together when she walks alone. She is always alone.

She sits in her rocking chair outside her small mobile home and watches the sunset as it changes from a fiery red to pink to purple to deep blue. As the sun sets, a tear falls from her eye. The demons are sneaking up on her. “Stop,” she cries,“I’m trying, leave me alone.  Everyone else does why don’t you!” She’s had her share of lovers, but it’s difficult when you are an empath and sensitive.  She can read them so well, when their auras mingle, she knows what is in their heart and soul. She knows just how much she can deal with, she knows how true or untrue they will be. She knows that her life is not meant to be with anyone. People basically are afraid of someone who can see through them, who can see all their flaws and knows their true intentions.  What they don’t understand, however, she can also accept them for who they are.  But they are afraid and leave anyway.

The night brings her first demon—loneliness.  He haunts her frequently. She has tried to embrace him as a lover too, but knowing what was and what could be, make it difficult. She feels empty, she feels like part of her is missing.

As the moon rises over the horizon, her next demon begins his visit, her body is aching from the day, she has almost gone over her limit of what it can handle.  But she resists giving in every day.  She listens in the distance to the other Rennies sing by the campfires as she goes inside to shower away the negative energies accumulated today and slip into bed. It’s going to be a long night and not an easy one, it never is. Her body aches, the muscles and bones hurt, they never stop hurting. She needs to rest.  The warm water temporarily soothes her body as she envisions a white light encompassing her and flowing over her chakras cleansing not just her body, but her soul. It gives her peace. She’s now ready to face the night.

Sliding between the silky smooth cotton sheets of her comfortable bed, with the moonlight coming through the window, she thinks about her day and how happy she has made some people and the smiles she observed as the seekers walked away. This gives her joy. She thinks about the empty side of her bed and a tear falls as she slips into slumber. It doesn’t last long, though, her demon lover waits to intertwine his tendrils on and into her body. Midnight comes, she wakes to his presence. She is in pain. So much pain, her body throbs, aches, and shudders. She walks the floor to ease the stiffness, then climbs back into bed. “Please let me rest.”  But no, she lays there, desperately trying to sleep with the pain, with the demon lying with her, not releasing his firm grip on her. Insomnia joins in, the hour’s pass, it’s now three in the morning. She rises again.  Maybe a little chamomile tea will help. She needs some rest, she needs to sleep before the new day begins again. This nightly visit from her demon lover is exhausting, is so debilitating, is the cause of her tear. It is the cause of her isolation. How could she possibly expose anyone else to this nightly scene?

Invisible Illness Awareness Week is Sept. 28-Oct. 4 and you can find it on social media with #invisiblefight #invisibleillness. Hundreds of thousands of people share their stories, their struggles, and their strengths, while encouraging one another and increasing the awareness of the public about the daily challenges they face and why they do not always feel as well as they look. Find more info at Invisible Illness Awareness Week or their Facebook page.

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