Tag Archives: Sex

Ch. 15 – The Pendulum of the Lost and Lonely

When I was a child I was a very submissive child, I was the child to be seen and not heard. I was the child who never disagreed with her parents. I never even looked like I wanted to disagree or I would get slapped or spanked.  I had very strict parents.  I stayed a very quiet and agreeable girl.  I tried desperately to please them to get their love.  I strived to be the best in everything, to make the grades, to be the best daughter.  This attitude continued through my courtship, I was the good girlfriend, I was the proper girlfriend, I was a virgin when I married.  Then when I married I was the proper wife, the obedient wife, the good executive wife.  Breakfast on the table before he went to work, dinner on the table when he got home, the house clean, the children clean.  I made all our clothing and his shirts and ties and even his suit jackets.  I kept the finances that I knew of.  I didn’t question him.  I accepted his excuses for a long time, I was ready on the spot when we had to entertain without notice.  I tried everything to keep the spice in our marriage.  I took belly dancing lessons, I danced for him.  I learned electronics so we would have hobbies in common. I got him interested in Ham Radio.  I tried kidnapping him for a romantic getaway.  Nothing worked.  But in all, I was a very reserved and submissive wife.

I still am an introvert, basically shy among strangers, but that period after the divorce, those months of unemployment and indecisiveness in my future and feeling of betrayal and unworthiness took its toll on my personality.  The pendulum from submissive, shy, sexually inexperienced began to swing to the other extreme.  I began to trade sex for comfort, for attention, were hoping for just the holding involved — the human touch.  I know it probably wasn’t very smart of me, but I was lost and climbing my way back out of hell. I needed someone to love me. I deluded myself sometimes that they cared, now that I look back on it.  I only took a lover when my children had visitation with their father.  I tried carefully not to let my “love life ” come into contact with my young children who were already coping enough with a new young step-mother.

It was during this time, that the doctors told me I was pregnant. I was horrified!  I couldn’t be, I had been having regular periods, but I was in miserable pain, so I went to the doctor. He didn’t do a blood test, just a palpitation. The doctor did say however, I was in the process of a miscarriage.  My emotions ran wild. My pain was tremendous, my depression was increasing.  Fortunately it was during this time, my girls were with their father in Kansas visiting their grandparents and my parents.  I was alone for two weeks, to panic in private.  I wanted to die.  I prayed for death, I wanted to never wake up, I was too chicken to consider suicide.

I had wanted a third child but the ex had said no. A new baby, my heart clenched at the thought and at the thought I was losing it too. If by any chance I didn’t lose it would I lose my girls and then losing it just killed me.  There was no good outcome.

I had been studying for my GRE in psychology and scheduled to take my exams. During the exams I started feeling very ill, starting hemorrhaging, a migraine suddenly erupted during the second half of the exam. I had to go home. I “miscarried”.  You might wonder why now I have the word miscarry in italics. You see that experience was enough to bring me to religion.  Yes, the pendulum began to swing in that direction.  I got religion, I went celibate.

A year later, the doctors say I’m pregnant again. Not on your life! They say I’m four months pregnant. Not unless it is an immaculate conception, doc!  Come to find out I have a tumor the size of a four month fetus.  Again, I’m in extreme pain and bleeding. Again, my children are in Kansas on vacation with their father.

This time, I go to the hospital alone, I have no one, no family, no friends to support me. The doctors say they will try to save my uterus, I am only 34 years old after all, I still want to marry again and have more children.  I lie there in the hospital room and I wake to the doctor telling me, “I’m sorry, we could not save the uterus, we had to take it.  The tumor was embedded.”

I go home the next day, barely moving to an empty house with an empty heart only full of tears. I now know I really probably wasn’t pregnant before, it was the tumor then. Now I will never have another child.

Ch. 7 – Series Teddy Bear

He’s here! I can hardly wait for this, I am really liking this man.  We’ve been seeing each other for several months now, just platonically, but just seeing him makes my heart skip a beat. He’s so handsome, he really is a Teddy Bear, I feel so safe with him.  It seems like I can just talk about everything with him and he understands.

He’s taking me down the canal, this canal used to bring trade from the Atlantic ocean to the Chesapeake bay, now it’s used mostly by the yachts going into the bay.  And there are some lovely yachts today, it makes a beautiful sight to see those white  large boats with sails in the winds gliding silently through the canal.

We park a little bit from where he has chosen to have the picnic and it’s muddy.  The man literally sweeps me off my feet, can you believe it! I think I weigh too much and it’s a little embarrassing, but to him, he thinks I’m small.  I’m sure I blushed.  No one has ever picked me up before. We go to the grassy spot and spread out the blanket, after the pleasant picnic the talking becomes hugging, the hugging becomes kissing, I am falling for this man.  He holds me so securely, so warmly, I snuggle into his arms, just enjoying this feeling. It’s been so long that someone has made me feel loved and worthy of this love. I know tears are in my eyes, but thank goodness, he doesn’t see them; my head is lying on his chest listening to the steady rhythm of his strong heart.

It’s beginning to get late and the sun is starting to settle low on the horizon. The clouds are turning pinks and purples and it’s beautiful. I don’t want this moment to end. It’s been so hard lately. I don’t want to go back to reality. He knew exactly what I needed today. But it’s getting chilly and we need to get home.

I don’t want him to leave, my heart needs his tonight. I invite him into the apartment. I’m scared. We sit on the sofa talking. We kiss and embrace. My body is trembling. I’ve never been with another man other than my husband and I was a virgin when we got married. This is frightening, yet I don’t want him to leave tonight. He doesn’t want to leave either. He looks longingly into my eyes, he sees the indecision and asks me if he should stay or leave. I take his hand and lead him to my room.

We sit down on my bed, which is really only the mattress from the van, now being used on the floor of my apartment bedroom. Not much, but he sits down and holding my hand leads me down to sit next to him.  I tell him my fears, my worries, my indecisions about what this is leading to. He listens, he is quiet. He gently kisses my forehead and hugs me tightly. We sit there for the longest time in silence. Darkness falls on my bedroom. The apartment is dark. We hear the neighbors over me.  They are actively making love. They are not very quiet about it.  Teddy Bear looks at me and smiles, I laugh.  “Yes, I hear that every night, they must newly wed.  It not exactly what I need to hear every night right now at this time in my life.”  And we both laugh it breaks up the uneasiness between us and we fall back on the bed and this time we give the neighbors something to hear this night.