Category Archives: Musings

Betrayal

20161218_171645My body betrayed me this weekend.  I guess I should not be surprised.  I’ve been fighting this illness for many years and this year I have tried even harder to suppress the pain that fibromyalgia presents to me.  I just never know when it’s going to spring up and bite me in the butt. I know cold and winter is my enemy.  Yesterday, it literally bit me in the butt when I fell on the driveway while clearing 6 inches of snow.  Ouch!

I had my heart set on going to the Hamilton Electors Vigil tonight and stressed over ways to go and chance more problems or not.  Ultimately, I decided my body just wouldn’t handle the cold at night, let alone having to deal with transportation and waiting in the cold for Lyft or Uber, since I can’t drive at night.  Yes, fibro has affected my vision at night somewhat as well.

I cannot stand to be one who talks and not act, so dear friends who are standing out in the cold, I empathize with you and am there in spirit.  I support you and wish with all my heart I was standing with you for this cause I believe in.

Peace

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A Dilemna of Spirit

fibromyalgiacoldI have been looking forward to the march and vigil on the Colorado capital today so much. I don’t want to be one of those that talk but don’t act. I truly believe that we must take action and I must be amongst those that are there.  Then it snowed and got down to below zero here at home. My body with fibromyalgia is complaining so much about the cold. I try to keep up with things and I’ve never asked anyone for help. So what did I do yesterday? I shoveled my driveway that was covered in 6 inches of snow.  On the last strip of the drive, I fell (fibro also affects your equilibrium) hard on the icy cement and now I am moving very slowly.

So I sit here contemplating how I can act and not sit (uneasily) without feeling inadequate about not doing what I believe in my heart I should be doing. I don’t like to admit the limitations of my disease or my age, but days like today are aggravating and disappointing.

Labels

I need to thank a new follower (thinkinkadia) for getting my juices flowing today about what I call myself or how I see myself.  I have called myself an introvert because I have personality traits that most psychologists would deem introversion.  I am solitary, quiet, prefer solo travel, solo type work, not keen on crowds, etc.  However, I realize I’ve really never fit any particular label as defined by the dictionary.  I like people, I like intelligent people.  I like crowds with purpose. I can easily introduce myself to a stranger and carry on a conversation.  Now the term “activist” has entered my vocabulary.  It’s a new and strange word for my tongue to say. I never thought that I’d be an activist, a feminist, or even “political”.   I’ve always been reluctant to put labels on others as well and now I can definitely characterize some public figures with unflattering labels. But I won’t, just as I will no longer put a label on me!  I am a unique human.  I am not the same woman I was when I was in my 20’s, 30’s 50’s or even before the election.  Growth has been ongoing for me, I strive for growth mentally and emotionally constantly.  I believe it behooves us as adults to continually question our world and see the truth.  To continually question and grow.  To travel outside our hometown and personal bubbles to experience new cultures to grow and learn tolerance.

Tonight I changed my Platinum Dragon site a bit.  I hope to be able to express the conflict that I’m feeling in my heart and soul these days, to hopefully inspire others to speak out against injustice and tyranny. I changed my about page to reflect these thoughts, below are the paragraphs explaining why and how I’ve turned a new chapter in my life.

Since the election I lost my words, I have struggled with my conscience and the direction I wanted to take my writing but my thoughts have become so adamant about expressing themselves that my passion has been aroused about my country, our freedoms, and our world.   I have never even discussed politics with anyone, family or friends, let alone strangers.  I don’t discuss religion either.  I believed the United States was founded on a solid foundation and although we disagreed on many things, we did agree on the what our founding fathers wanted for this country. I believed that we could overcome our differences, at least politically.  I believed that we had processes in place that would not allow dictators or demagoguery to rise in power.

I know we have struggled through the years and century with equality for all, I felt we were making progress.  How sadly disappointed and disillusioned I was. I have always given others the benefit of the doubt, I have always trusted too much, and now as in personal relationships, I have had my heartbroken in the American people who have been blindly misled by a scam artist and his flock. I had more faith in them than they deserved.

I have been growing into the Dragon for several years, never did I realize that the Dragon meant my voice was meant to roar even louder.  I thought that I had to overcome my own personal demons.  Now, I realize there are more important demons and evil that I have to overcome, more important reasons I have to speak out. More important reasons, that I cannot withdraw back into the timid person I used to be.  Too much is at stake for us as a nation, and we as individuals, one voice at a time, one writer at a time. Speaking and writing our convictions can and will be heard.

Our founding fathers spoke out, Benjamin Franklin wrote his convictions, we must too. Remember history repeats itself. Don’t let it repeat the worst events of the world. Speak out with me. Be heard!

Can an Introvert be an Activist?

me-contemplativeThis question has been on my mind a lot lately, in fact, ever since the election.  I got married in 1969, a week before Woodstock, during the age of peace-loving hippies, political marches about the Vietnam war, Nixon, the Ted Kennedy scandal of Chappaquiddick, and the first draft lottery for the military (the main reason my ex-husband married me was to avoid the draft). I had very strict parents and a very repressed childhood as I’ve mentioned before, so I didn’t dare speak up or out. When I married I married someone exactly like my father, someone who kept me suppressed, who “gaslighted” every unique thought I ever had. I felt stupid for feeling the angst and anxiety I saw happening in the 70s. It kept me quiet.  I was not the hippie, I was the quiet, obedient child and wife watching in pain. Watching the world around me on fire, watching others in pain, watching as other women, African-Americans, Native Americans, gays and lesbians and other marginalized people continued their fight for equality, and many Americans joined the protest against the ongoing war in Vietnam.

Perhaps, this is partial cause of what has happened to our society today, too many others, like me,  stood quietly by and didn’t speak up.  But now, I don’t have parents to quell my thoughts or my voice.  I don’t have a husband to make me feel stupid or abuse my intelligence. Now I only have me to blame for not speaking out against the injustice in the world.  This is the conundrum, a quiet, introvert speaking out, becoming an activist, attempting to find the words and the vocabulary she needs to express to the world who needs to listen and understand what is at stake for us all!

If anyone has studied history they can see that there are patterns that result in either success or disaster, in the rise and fall of empires. We study the personalities that help us rise to our best in the world and we see those personalities that try to deceive us and gaslight us, basically, scam us like those online dating scammers who take advantage of those desperately seeking love. Really?  are there that many out there that desperate to believe and need someone else to solve their problems and will believe anything told to them? Can they not think for themselves and do the research to determine between factual news and fake news. Can’t they see what really is a stake? Their freedom!  It’s not just a political party question.  It’s a matter of integrity, moral ethics, moral compass, and TRUTH. 

I am not a religious person but I have studied and read the Bible (many times).  I particularly am fascinated by the book of Revelations and the End Times.  I know it says after the Rapture that even some good people are left to endure the anti-Christ and they essentially are left to testify and tested of their faith – to testify.  I feel now, I am being tested.  Am I to sit back and silently let things happen as they may or am I going to speak my convictions, stand up for equality, stand up for what is right and not allow injustice without me saying something.  My answer, NO!

I am learning, I will continue to learn, I will continue to gather my strength.  The dragon inside me roars to be released in earnest.

 

Daily Word Prompt: Conundrum

Christmas Memories

Last Christmas as most Christmases since I was blessed with grandchildren, I spent the day with them.  They live an hour away from me, out in the country with lots of room to run and jump and play.  My daughter needs that much room for five children, four boys ,and one girl.  All the children are under 11 and all born in the months of November, December and January.

Christmas day, however,  is especially busy and special.  My second grandson celebrates his birthday that day.  He was my daughter’s Christmas blessing early one Christmas morning almost 10 years ago.  They did give him a special name as well, his middle name is Gabriel.

So, how do we celebrate Christmas and birthdays when they are on the same day. Well, I’m kind of use to this.  My father and my brother’s birthday is on the day after Christmas.  We always would celebrate their birthday on April Fools Day. But for my little Gabriel, we still keep it on Christmas  – and it’s a mad house!  A wonderful, chaotic mad house with five children.

Christmas morning is Christmas celebration and the whole family still in the matching Christmas pajamas, unwrap all the gifts  and the house is wrecked.  Grandmother (me), arrives after that and create even more chaos with my little black sleigh full of more gifts.  We exchange again.  Then my daughter who has prepared a sumptuous Christmas dinner has us all sit down for to eat.  We have to eat before we can have a birthday party. Sometimes this is a little difficult to manage with five children hyped up on Christmas, twins scurrying around who are only 6 years old and a 4-year-old who absolutely has more energy that I’ve ever seen.

And then, my lovely, daughter, who has prepared a special birthday cake, sets up all the birthday decorations. Sets out all the birthday presents and we have a wonderful, magnificent, rowdy birthday party.

I go home totally exhausted, but very happy!

CHRISTMAS WRITING PROMPT #1 – LAST CHRISTMAS

Mindful Acceptance of Self

I’ve written about my life from the time I was twenty-nine years old until my father died when I was about forty-five.  I’m now sixty-seven, another birthday approaches and I can clearly see what has been happening since my father passed.  My children have grown, they left home at eighteen to go college and marriage.  They have lives of their own and have not come back home. I have not really dated since Dad died. I have concentrated more on getting my own life in order, getting my finances in order and becoming financially stable.  A real first for me, in fact, a very reassuring and comforting feeling for me. I finally feel secure in my living situation.

I was a struggling artist in the beginning.  No one had ever heard of a web designer, but eventually and over time, people realized that the Internet was not a fad. All my instincts about the future of technology came to fruition, everything that I knew would happen, happened and it’s continuing as I knew it would. Now, I prepare for the next chapter in my life – retirement.  I plan on retiring at seventy from the corporate world. However, that does not mean I will stop working.  I just can’t see it. Living alone, living the life I live in exploration and curiosity prevents me from just sitting back and not pursuing another endeavor.  Writing has always been in my life, writing short stories when I was child, doing technical writing as a chemist, technical writing during Y2K, technical writing as a contractor, technical writing as a web designer, now I’m going full circle and back to writing short stories again. Some fiction, some not. I like writing about my travels, perhaps I will be a travel writer when I grow up.  I guess I haven’t yet decided what I want to be when I grow up, whether I ever will know, I don’t know.  There’s just too much out there I want to do, too much I want to see and too many things that evoke too much thought in my head that I have to express.

The one part of my life that does need to be expanded on now is my social life.  Being an introvert makes it a little difficult for me to put myself out there.  However, just as I need to encourage myself to travel solo and go on my adventures.  I need to learn how to take this adventure in relationships.  I need to learn that although my past relationships have not proven to have the best track record; that perhaps I am in a better place now, not only financially, physically, emotionally, but intellectually to enter a relationship that is truly one that fits my life and my heart.  One that will bring into my life  the partner that will understand me better, because I understand myself better than I ever have.  I know exactly who I am, what I want, what I need, what my flaws are and what kind of life I want to live.  I have accepted who I am. I’m no longer struggling with my identity.  I am no one’s daughter, wife, mother, sister, niece.  I am me – only me.  I can be a friend, a very loyal friend. I can be a very loving and faithful lover to the right person, but most of all when someone knows me they know I am authentic.

The journey of discovery of self has taken me sixty-seven years.  It has had many missteps, mistakes, and twists and turns. I have read self-help books, gone to psychiatrists, been a counselor, been a lay minister, studied the bible, studied yoga and meditation.  Eventually, after all this, you decide to make the journey yours-you customize it.  You take a bit of what works from everything your read, see, hear, and experience and learn from it.  I have done this.  I believe I have taken the best from all the best teachers and have tried to apply it to my life and hope to continue to apply it to my life. I’ve learned from my mistakes.  I have found peace in my life, I try to live with mindfulness in living in the forefront of my daily living. I try to experience new things, I think if I stop, that’s when I will get old, physically and mentally.  Life is to be lived as a participant, not a spectator.

So, friends, keep watching and reading, the platinum dragon is flying high in the sky searching for new adventures, loves, and stories to write.  In the meantime, Netdancer’s Photography will stay busy with my other obsession, photography, catching the world through my lens.

Truth

Truth hurts.

Truth is the pain you feel in your throat when you try not to cry.

Truth is the reflection when you look in the mirror and see the stranger looking back at you.

Truth is the word unsaid but felt.

Truth is the emotion unwanted and uncalled for but brought forth by desire.

Truth is what we realize but don’t want to really know.

Truth is a double edged sword.

Truth hurts.